Lou BERTRAND (aka "The Kiwi") [Fr]

Biography

The Kiwi was born as a family project initiated early last winter, 2025. Serious preparations for the adventure begin at that time, preceded in particular by several visits to the midwife, some dietary adjustments, and a full course of folic acid. Since the parents do not smoke, no weaning off smoking was necessary.

The Kiwi was conceived around June 8th 2025 after just one unsuccessful cycle of attempts.

It’s Mother, Anna Weisman, is a high school mathematics teacher in Paris. At the time, she was a substitute teacher, living in constant uncertainty about where she would be assigned in the near future. This situation would last until maternity leave. Despite this, she carried on with both her work and her pregnancy.

It’s Father, Calvin Bertrand, is a perpetual student, unable to choose a career path. Nonetheless he embraces his choices despite a growing age gap with his fellow students. He lives by his motto: “Hold your head up and stand tall, be proud of who you are and stay true to yourself.”

The success of the kiwi’s conception remains open to debate: Those more logically minded point to good genetic compatibility. Others explain it mainly by luck. But legend has it that the “blessing of the little shoe” is at the origin of this success: One spring Sunday morning, a tiny right/left shoe with a tiger pattern in size XX came in through the open window. It has sat on the windowsill ever since to attract luck and fertility - with success!

At the beginning of June 2025, the expecting parents set off with Calvin’s family for a week of vacation in Dordogne (southwest France). Just before leaving, a negative pregnancy test. Based on this, Anna calmly enjoys the local specialties, especially pâtés and goat cheeses. But a persistent late menstrual cycle casts doubt on the test result.
At the end of this week, the parents travel to Annecy (Haute-Savoie) for a wedding. A long bus journey across France from west to east. Technical problems, delays, and other sources of stress pile up. During a brief changeover in Lyon (Rhône), Calvin rushes off in a panic to try to buy some food. Instead, he comes back with a new pregnancy test. He will later say, “The only thing open in the station was the pharmacy - I didn’t have a choice.”

The happy news is thus confirmed by a positive pregnancy test on June 28, 2025, in Annecy, on the morning of the wedding of Laure Gubert and Nicolas Virgüez. Despite their overflowing joy, the expecting parents have to keep the secret so as not to steal the spotlight from the newlyweds. Taking inspiration from TV series tropes, Calvin discreetly drinks Anna’s champagne all evening and eats her raw salmon starter, so as not to arouse suspicion.

Back in Paris, medical appointments are arranged, including the first ultrasound. Anna and Calvin see the Kiwi for the first time on a screen in a moment full of emotion, despite the still very “tadpole-like” shape of the foetus. The couple registers at the Port-Royal Maternity Unit (Cochin Hospital – AP-HP). The news is also shared with parents, siblings, and a few friends.

The summer holidays continue with a road trip planned for August, to enjoy one last summer as a couple. As a precaution, the parents keep the pregnancy a secret from most people (or not). The first leg of the trip takes the Kiwi to Cap Fréhel (Brittany, Côtes-d’Armor), Port-Louis (Morbihan, Brittany), Bordeaux (Gironde, Nouvelle-Aquitaine), and finally Toulouse (Haute-Garonne, Occitanie).

The couple and their Kiwi then plan to continue on to Narbonne (Aude, Occitanie) and then to the French Alps. But a serious setback interrupts the journey: During the first-trimester ultrasound in Toulouse, the thickness of the nuchal translucency raises concern about an increased risk of Down syndrome. The sonographer, seemingly uncomfortable with this kind of news, does not offer much moral support. After this difficult discovery, the couple decides to return early to Paris.

On the way back, Anna manages to get an appointment with the Prenatal Diagnosis Department at the Port-Royal maternity unit. The parents are quickly seen in order to continue the diagnostic process. A blood test for serum markers is carried out. As the results take several days, the expecting parents decide to take their Kiwi to the latest edition of the Sainte-Foyre (Cantal, Auvergne-Rhône-Alpes), its first music festival! This event helps to ease, through music, friends, and family, the intense stress of waiting for the results.

The test results unfortunately indicate a high risk of Down syndrome in the child. The doctors therefore decide to perform a chorionic villus sampling to carry out a karyotype and an ACPA test, the only exams that can confirm or rule out the condition with certainty. After another wait, the results come in at the end of August: The Kiwi shows no chromosomal abnormalities.

With this good news, the pregnancy becomes official and the announcement begins to spread (even more).

The prenatal diagnostic journey is not fully completed until November, after a detailed anatomy scan and a cardiac ultrasound confirming the Kiwi’s proper development. Both exams show no malformations.

The expecting parents begin searching for an apartment with an extra bedroom for the Kiwi. After several weeks of searching and exploring different options, a solution is found in Cachan. This apartment is not far from the one where Anna was born. The move is scheduled for January.

Unfortunately, the Kiwi must still go through a period of significant stress: The hospitalization of Jérôme, his grandfather, for a week, until his passing on October 4, 2025. Before leaving, Jérôme is allowed to take with him the secret of the Kiwi’s name, which the child will hear about when they grow up.

After October, the Kiwi’s life becomes calmer. Week after week, it continues to develop and grows in line with the normal growth curve. It moves a lot, especially in response to live music and when the bell announces the end of class. It’s mother’s maternity leave starting on January 24 leaves even more energy for its development. It has its first exchanges with his parents from within the womb, facilitated by the use of haptonomy (or not?).

January is also the month when the parents moved to Cachan, into a beautiful, larger apartment, better-suited to welcoming the Kiwi. Calvin’s unfortunate tendency to want to do everything himself results in a move spread out over several weeks, but the apartment gradually begins to take shape.

On February 8th, the apartment even hosts a baby shower/housewarming party in honor of the Kiwi, bringing together many of Anna’s friends. Meanwhile, preparation for the baby’s arrival continue, in particular with the accumulation of an unreasonable amount of equipment - thanks to generous contributions of donors, especially Benoît and Frédérique.

Life continues on as the weekend of February 14th approaches. Most of the equipment has already been acquired, the clothes are simply waiting to be washed, another housewarming is scheduled for Sunday, and Calvin is due to give a lecture at the university. Anna’s urine test (ECBU) even comes back negative, sparing the young couple from having to spend Valentine’s Day in the maternity emergency room.

However, that was without counting on the unpredictable Kiwi, who causes Anna’s water to break on Saturday morning around 1 p.m.
Quickly, Anna and Calvin head to the maternity emergency room at Port-Royal Hospital, where Anna is promptly admitted and her water breaking is confirmed. However, Anna is not experiencing any contractions. The protocol therefore requires 48 hours of observation before inducing labor. Anna therefore sends Calvin back home to prepare the apartment for the baby’s imminent arrival.

Calvin works late into the night, tidying up and doing laundry, and at 1:50 a.m. sends a message: “I’m going to bed.” At 2:00 a.m., Anna’s contractions begin. They quickly become close together and intensely painful. By 2:45 a.m., Calvin is summoned to the maternity ward, which he reaches about an hour later.

After a few hours of early labor, the parental team is ushered into the delivery room. They settle in with a music playlist titled “Pass Me the Oxytocin,” which proves to be a big hit throughout the night with the healthcare professionals coming and going. The epidural is administered and works properly. Within a few hours, the Kiwi positions itself at the entrance of a well-dilated cervix and begins to descend. Everything is ready for the 30 minutes of pushing: a short delivery, brilliantly accomplished thanks to the excellent maternity team - but above all thanks to Anna, who was perfect from start to finish.

And so little Lou Jérômine “Kiwi” Bertrand was born, on February 15th, 2026, at 10:58 a.m., a baby girl weighing 6 lbs and measuring 18.5 inches to the sound of “The Dog Days Are Over” and to the immense happiness of her parents.

Her head is misshapen like a xenomorph’s because of a blood swelling, she’s all messy, she’s screaming - in short, she is already the most beautiful baby in the world.

The rest of this page, is up to her to write.

Legacy

The Kiwi will obviously be good at math… or not.
The Kiwi will become a doctor… or not.
The Kiwi will play tennis… or not.
The Kiwi will have an amazing talent for drawing… or not.
The Kiwi will be a wild drummer… or not.
The Kiwi will love to dance and sing… most likely!
The Kiwi will be happy and will bring happiness to those around it… obviously.

Work

The Kiwi is already recognized for its ability to bring joy and calm to those around it.
Several shell necklaces and sketches are also planned in the coming years.
But beyond that, no one knows how far its imagination will take it.
At this stage, its masterpiece remains it’s little body, crafted using the traditional method of embryonic development. This method essentially relies on three well-known techniques: Cell division, migration, and differentiation. This little work of art is manifested as two hands, two feet, a big head and a small body, as well as a functioning heart accompanied by a very beautiful aorta.

Reception

The announcement prompted widely varied reactions depending on the person:
Calvin and Anna (the parents): Jump into each other’s arms, kissing passionately
Catherine (maternal grandmother): Happiness, joy, and a hug
Andrew (maternal grandfather): “Do you know what a shotgun wedding is?”
Olivia (paternal grandmother): “Are you messing with me?!”
Jérôme (paternal grandfather): “Was it planned?”
Mélodie (paternal step-grandmother): After 5 minutes of talking about our future child, “Wait, is there actually something going on?”
Timothée Bertrand (uncle): upon receiving the photo of the pregnancy test “I never learned how to read this nonsense.”
Nathan (uncle) : 😮
Jérémy (uncle) : 😮
Bart (great-uncle): after receiving the ultrasound photo, "Hi Anna. Who's pregnant ?"

It is also worth noting that over the years, Calvin had an unfortunate tendency to make up this announcement as a joke. As a result, this time none of his friends believed him when he was telling the truth.

Notes

It is interesting to note that Lou’s arrival marks the end of Marion Richard’s 30 year despotic reign as the youngest girl in the Bertrand – Richard Family. Hey, hey hey 😊